Gunpowder Grotto

The thoughts and musings of a gunfighter wannabe.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

My entire view of the world has been shot

No, I'm not talking about the election results, but something much, much more serious. You see, the other day I was on my way to college, but I had to stop by Target (a Wal-Mart type store for those of you who don't know what it is. If you don't know what Wal-Mart is, you suck) in order to get some supplies. Whilst running around and grabbing everything I need in less than 3 minutes because I'm a guy and guys are naturally superior when it comes to speed shopping (no offense ladies, you still kick our asses when it comes to grabbing the RIGHT things), I decided to quickly stop by the electronics department, because yesterday was the release date for Final Fantasy V Advance for the Game Boy Advance. Bought the first copy of the day (everyone's too busy buying Gears of War, said the clerk), and played it during my break at college. And, as with any Final Fantasy game, it's awsome.

Now, here's the problem. I picked it up this morning to play, and was having a good time. However, before I go on, I feel like I should explain something to anyone of my 2 or 3 readers that don't know that much about video games. You see, it is the law of videogamedome that any enemy that is classified as "undead", such as a zombie, ghost, skeleton, etc., is very weak against fire attacks. Well, as I was playing in the Fire Ship, I ran into an enemy called Poltergeist. Judging by it's name, appearance, and variety of attacks, I concluded that it is an undead enemy. So, I did what any video game veteran would do: use my fire spell and fry the sucker. But, to my surprise, nothing happened. I tried again, and got the same result. Later, after I'd killed the thing by cutting it up into a million pieces with my mythril swords and daggers, I went into my Bestiary to investigate, and do you know what I found? The Poltergeist is IMMUNE TO FIRE ATTACKS! Not resistant, but fully immune.

The Final Fantasy series, which virtually invented how an RPG is supposed to play, has shattered one of gaming's most sacred rules of battle. I don't know what to do. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHAT DO I DO?!

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Because I was asked...

...The correct answer to the question "How many people would it take to push over the Empire State Building if it were full of badgers?" is the following:


The reason behind this is because of the violent and destructive nature of badgers. These little devils will tear apart anything in their path. So, by filling the Empire State Building with them, they will devour (metaphorically) the building from the inside out, thus causing it to collapse under it's own weight without the help of anyone pushing it from the outside.

Hope this helps, Cat.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Today is Harvey's birthday. And, like a good son, I forgot to get him a gift. So, let's see what I can dig up. OH! I know! First, something that isn't part of the theme, but just a gift I think my blogfather would like, The Alphabet of Manliness. Written by Maddox, the epitome of manliness, this sacred bible contains everything there is to know about being a man: Kicking asses, beef jerky, pirates, urinal etiquette, hot sauce, metal music, and Chuck Norris.

Now, about this theme of being "blue". Hmm, well, I GOT IT!!!! The word "blue" starts with the letter "B", so how about Confessions of a B-Movie Actor by "B"ruce Campbell? IT'S PERFECT!

Happy birthday, Harvey. I hope that this year will be (insert something corny and inspirational here)!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Rhode Island, what the hell is wrong with you?

Okay, can someone please explain to me why Republicans voted for Lincoln Chafee in the primaries? When has this guy ever been Republican? The answer: HE HASN'T! What kind of poorly informed Republicans voted for this guy?! I mean, sure his opponent had a funny name, but so what? Bush has a funny name, and he became President!

The Zwitter Challenge

Hey kids! Here's a fun new game for you to play. Go to iTunes, download the song Zwitter by Rammstein, listen to it, and play it for your wife (or husband), and then play it for all your friends. The catch? You cannot look up the lyrics, or even the meaning of the word "zwitter" until after you've played it for everyone, and you've told them how to spell "zwitter" and tell them to go look it up themselves. Think you can do it?


Update: Welcome Bad Example readers!

You know,

if they'd just kept their big mouths shut, I'd never know that Borat even existed. I'd also not know that he's really funny, and thus wouldn't be promoting him on my blog like this. Granted nobody reads my crap, so maybe the glorious nation of Kazakstan will be safe.


Don't you hate it when you have something going on, then something comes up and you forget about what you had going on? Yeah, that happened.


Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Irony's a bitch, ain't it, you racist scum?

So I got up, and checked my e-mail, and saw that I'd gotten a letter from my dear friend, Catherine. Have a look:

This scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg, South Africa &
London. A white woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a black man. Very
disturbed by this, she called the air hostess. "You obviously do not see it
then?" she asked. "You placed me next to a black man. I did not
agree to sit next to someone from such a repugnant group. Give me an
alternative seat." "Be calm please," the hostess replied. "Almost all the
places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another place is
available." The hostess went away & then came back a few minutes later.
"Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in Economy Class.I
spoke to the captain & he informed me that there is also no seat in Business
Class. All the same, we still have one place in First Class." Before
the woman could say anything, the hostess continued. "It is not usual for
our company to permit someone from Economy Class to sit in First
Class. However, given the circumstances, the captain feels that it
would be scandalous to make someone sit next to someone so disgusting." She
turned to the black guy, & said, "Therefore, Sir, if you would like to,
please collect your hand luggage, a seat awaits you in First Class." At that
moment, the other passengers, who'd been shocked by what they had just
witnessed, stood up & applauded. This is a true story. If you are against
racism, please copy and paste this email and send to all your friends. WELL
DONE, British Airways!

*Waits for applause to die down*
Well, I don't know about you, but if this turns out to be as true as I pray it is, then I'm going to be using British Airways quite often. If I need a trip to Great Britain, that is...

Monday, July 17, 2006

A really bad idea for a cartoon to live action movie...

...but if it's as good as the teaser trailer made it out to be, I may just have to go see it.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Dumpster Diving

Here's an interesting little story that happened to me:

So, to start off, I was at a..."social gathering"...and after the "social gathering" was over, one of the people there and myself decided to stay behind and perform cleanup crew duties and take all of the garbage to the dumpster outside.

Well, I grabbed a couple bags of garbage, went down the building, and outside to the dumpster. I took all the garbage and threw it in, and was on my way back up to get some more. But I didn't, because something caught my eye. It was a large cardboard box that was opened, and inside it, were stacks upon stacks of old cassette tapes.

Now, I realize that cassette tapes are dead technology, but this was different. Thfere were tapes of Motley Crue, Bon Jovi, Michael Jackson (when he was black, and good), Whitesnake, Guns n Roses, AC/DC, Foreigner, Poison, Elton John, and even two comedy performances (Bill Cosby and Eddie Murphy).

Naturally, as you can guess, I grabbed a crapload of them. Sure, they smelled a little ripe, but since they were all in their cases, the tapes themselves were unharmed.



I've been asked to post about how this dog named George is supposed to be the president of the world. Well, he is. There, I said it.

Something else that shouldn't go together, but does

A while ago, I started telling you the story of Hellsing, which combines Nazis and vampires in the same comic plot. Needless to say, that sounds like one of the stupidest things imaginable. Yet, for some strange reason, it all works out very nicely. It is this strange combination of A and 1 (hmm, A1 sauce...) that has brought me to you (all 3 of you) here once again.

First off, have any of you ever heard of a video game series called Final Fantasy? It is this series of games that are RPG in format (meaning, you and your team stand there, select an attack, then they attack the enemies) that, even though it's supposed to be "Final" Fantasy, has I'd have to say over 20 games (most redundant title for a game ever? Final Fantasy 10, part 2).

Now, there is another game series that is out there, called Kingdom Hearts. It's by the people who made Final Fantasy, and has all of the trademarks of their previous games (large, overrarching story, teams of 3 different characters fighting together, really unusual hair styles (like everything else Japanese), and a tale of love and selfless sacrifice. Oh, and the combat is real time instead of that "stand and wait" kind I described).

Here's the kicker, though: It's Disney. That's right. The characters, worlds, and subplots are all Disney. Yes, you will be going to the city of Agrabah and fighting a stickman named Jaffar with the help of Aladdin. Yes, you will be going to the African saharah and helping a lion named Simba reclaim his royal heritage from his evil uncle, Scar. Yes, you will be going to ancient China and helping a girl named Mulan and her annoying dragon friend defeat an army of Huns.

Sound freaking insane? It does. Something you should play? Very much so. I can't explain it. For some reason, a game that puts you in the shoes of a kid named Sora battling along with Donald and Goofy makes for a very good game. Don't believe me? Give it a try and then see if you can tell me that this was a bad idea. I dare you.

So...pissed off...part 3

Alright, so I'm sitting here at my computer, reading some random stuff on the internet, while drinking some coffee and eating my Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. Suddenly, I notice something in my Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal. That something looks like a little black bead. That little black bead turns out to be an ant that drowned in the milk. That ant was not alone. That is why the state will never let me buy a gun.


Wow, has it really been over a month since I've updated this relic? Wow. Just, wow. I guess I have some explaining to do, don't I? Well, I just graduated from high school, but that's not why I've been gone. The reason, is because my dad decided to get me a graduation gift: an Xbox 360.

...Why yes, I am a spoiled brat, and why yes, I do realize that very soon reality is going to tear my ass a new one. The contract I have with my dad states that after he's spoiled me rotten, he will guarantee that this will happen. But I digress.

So I got an Xbox 360. I didn't get any games for it, so I had to go and buy my own (see? It's starting already). What game did I get, you ask? Why, I got Oblivion.

...Why yes, I am a total geek.

So yes, I have been playing a video game this whole time. Now, if you'll excuse me, the land of Tamriel isn't going to save itself.